Worries bother us. We can’t sleep or concentrate because we have unhelpful thoughts going round and around in our head, BUT worries make sense in a way because they make us feel that we are doing something and in control, even if it is just fretting over things. 

You say to yourself, maybe there's an answer to this I just have to think harder or longer. I don't want to miss anything. I need to explore the many scenarios in my head just to make sure there are no surprises.
In a way it's hard to give up worrying if you think it has been working for you and gives you a sense of control.

When these thoughts keep occurring it might be helpful to ask yourself:

Is this a real problem or is it a "what if" that I have made into something bigger than it should be?

Is this something that is happening now, if so can I solve this and prepare or organise things better?

Or is it in the past - it's  already happened and nothing can change this?

Worrying can bring up many uncomfortable feelings particularly if the issue is in the past.
You could consider if there is anything you can do to help the problem, speak to the person involved, remedy a practical issue or accept that there is nothing you can do and it has already happened.  That sounds easy but can you can still feel in turmoil. Try to recognise the emotions you are feeling instead of having to rehash conversations or invent new ones. Give yourself time to connect with how you feel. There may be sadness, anger, hurt, shame or a number of other feelings, try to acknowledge these. This may be the only thing you can do, accept them, don't fight with them and practice letting them go because if this issue can't be solved you know worrying cannot change anything.

​What if you believe you can solve the issue you are worrying about.

​This may be a problem at work or at home. Are you sure that there is something that can be done? 
If so, brainstorm alone or with others some potential solutions and strategies that might be useful. Remember these are just ideas and not necessarily the "magic answer". 

Then have a look at the ideas listed and see if there are any you can apply and then make a plan to implement some changes. Once you have a plan this makes you feel in control again but this time you are heading in a direction and not going round and round in unhelpful circles. 

The more you practice looking at determining whether you can make any changes to the things you worry about, the easier it is to acknowledge the ones you cannot do anything about and to let them go.

Grief and Bereavement  

Feelings of grief are a natural reaction to the loss of a loved one which can impact greatly on your well being. People grieve in many different ways, often making it difficult for others to understand why you are behaving the way you are. Many people cry but others do not. Some people want to talk to others about it and others want to deal with it on their own. Differences in the way people grieve reflects different personality styles, the relationship with the person who has died, different ways of coping, the level of support available to the person, previous life experiences and many other factors. For some people the grieving process may last for months, for others it may be years. There will also be particular periods of time that are more difficult such as birthdays and anniversary dates. There is no time table or list of emotions to go through, you will slowly notice the painful periods are not as intense and become less frequent. You will notice you are adapting to the changes in your life and finding your feeling of grief are becoming easier to manage.

Some of the early signs of grieving can include sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger, and helplessness. There may also be physical symptoms such as tightness in the chest or throat, nausea, heart palpitations, dizziness, loss of appetite, insomnia, or lethargy and sleeping too much.

Some suggestions which can bring relief are to:

• Talk about the loss: It is important to have at least one person to talk to and share feelings with about the loss. People need to feel that they have someone who understands and from whom they can get comfort. For some people this may be a family member or a close friend. Other people find support groups helpful.  
  

• Talk about the person: Remembering the person who has died and talking about them – the retelling of their story or events in the person’s life helps to deal with the emotional reactions of the loss by creating a different bond/relationship with the deceased person.  
  

• Write a journal of experiences and feelings: Writing can be a valuable way of expressing thoughts and feelings. A journal may include personal thoughts about the loss that cannot be easily shared with others, memories of the person, or letters to the person who has died.  
  

• Maintain a routine: Try to keep a normal daily routine going, even if it means just going through the motions.  
  

• Be kind to yourself: Be patient with yourself. Accept that some days will be better than others and that it is alright to make mistakes or to be distracted.  
  

• Avoid using alcohol: Alcohol may numb the pain in the short-term but in the long term it has a depressive effect.  
  

When to get professional help People sometimes get so caught up in grief that they may develop prolonged physical symptoms such as insomnia, lack of energy and stomach complaints. If you feel that you are not coping well with the loss of someone close, a psychologist may be able to help.

DEPRESSION is not functional or healthy, and often robs us of a sense of meaning in our lives and inhibits our personal growth. Depression may feel really scary, you may feel flat and ‘down’ all the time. You can also experience a loss of motivation for even the basic things in life. Depression is sometimes experienced in a physical way, with problems connected to appetite, sleep disturbance, lethargy, or other physical problems. You may also avoid relationships and want to be alone, but may feel worse when not surrounded by other people.


The key to ‘beating the blues’ is to behave as if the blues are not beating you. This may sound very strange, but when we behave as if we are not depressed, our mood actually lifts. For other people, a combination of antidepressant medication and psychological therapy may be the best approach to dealing with depression. Tips for beating depression include:

·       Make a list of activities you find enjoyable; plan schedules of activities each day to include these activities. After an activity, really think about the aspects of it which were enjoyable. If activity seems impossible, try to force yourself to do three things each day - it could be getting out of bed, getting changed out of your pyjamas and brushing your hair. Even the smallest amount of activity is better than no activity at all.

·       A regular, healthy sleeping pattern is a critical part of recovery from depression. Try to avoid sleeping through the day or taking naps in the early evening

·       Worrying and negative thinking are unhealthy in that they reduce a person’s ability to focus on recovery. When dealing with negative thinking patterns, take time to think about how realistic the negative thoughts are. Try to explore alternate thoughts and explanations for circumstances. Keep a journal of your thoughts, identify negative and unhelpful thoughts and try to correct them. If you would like help to work on your negative thought patterns please contact me to discuss how I can support you in this.

 

It's that time of the year again when stress can mount up and instead of looking forward to the holiday we begin to dread it. Some of the reasons why this can happen are:
We don't look after ourselves, we rush around shopping, making lists, devising exotic and difficult menus and fail to maintain our well being. Our good intentions fall by the wayside , we miss the gym session, the time for ourselves, the healthy meal or enough sleep. Plan ahead and fit in the meditation, the walk, other exercise or an early night. If you don't plan it usually won't happen. 
The holidays can be a reminder of losses. There are many losses, a loved one, a pet, a job, your health. The losses can be highlighted when you feel lonely or are facing an uncertain future. Don't be scared to ask for support from family and friends. Decide ahead how you might want to answer the inevitable questions about your life and what your plans are for the New Year. You might want to choose which invitations you will accept and which to decline, there area  no rules which say you have to attend everything.
Putting up with the people who make us agitated, angry or miserable. Why do we think we have to enjoy the company of people we have spent the whole year avoiding? Do we think they will have changed or we won't find them annoying just because it's that time of year again? Be prepared to walk away, go to another room, talk to someone else or go home early.You might find you are comparing yourself to others, the relative with the perfect children, the friend who has expensive gifts lavished on her, the cousin who has just been offered the perfect job and salary to match, the list goes on....Think about whether these things would really make you happy, what do you have to be grateful for? What good things happened to you this year? 
Budgeting. Ugh!  What a thought! However,  having a budget helps you to avoid the after holiday reality check and credit card shock. Decide what you can afford and don't go over that amount, gifts can be in many forms, home made food, babysitting offers, a bunch of flowers form your garden or the time for coffee and a chat. 
Enjoy the festivities but if you are suffering from anxiety or depression be aware that this may increase over the holiday and take time for yourself. Being in control is helpful and prepare to have a less stressful and more relaxing holiday season that allows you to experience the joy of being with loved ones and a sense that you can have a pleasant time.

Fear is something we have all experienced at some time.
Imagine opening your front door to go to work and expecting that you will see and hear all the normal things. Your car will be there, the garden growing and the birds singing. Instead, this time there is a fierce dog growling at you, ready to pounce and the birds are screeching a warning. You scream, fumble to get the door open and safely in the house again. You can hear the beast snarling and scratching at your door. You are shaking,sweaty, your heart is racing, breathing is very rapid and possibly you feel faint or nauseous. This is fear. 

Imagine again that a few days later when you open the door again you hear the birds screeching, you are sure the fierce dog is back. Immediately you experience all the sensations you did when you saw the dog the first time but now there is no dog and the parrots are just screeching as they play in the rain. There is no difference in your reaction between the first and second time but the second time you experience ANXIETY. The fear is perceived and not real this time, but your body still prepares for the fight or flight response.  This response was what kept us safe when we lived in caves. It was a case of do something quickly to survive and think about it later. In today's society this behavior doesn't work so well. When you opened the door the first time you were in danger, the second time you only thought you were.

The brain is amazing, it keeps all our information "filed away". The happy memories, arguments, losses, wins, boring stuff, new skills, how to get to places, appointments and much more. Those scary incidents are also filed away and are an early warning system for your body to prepare for flight or fight if you think you are in danger  Often we get frightened or startled but realise there is nothing to be scared of and calm down again very quickly. 

With anxiety, we get caught up in the feelings and emotions and are unable to make the distinction between real and perceived threats but the body is preparing you for action anyway. It's a bit like sitting in your car with your foot hard on the accelerator and the brake on -  lots of noise, smoke, wear and tear on the car.

Anxiety symptoms are very unpleasant, they make you worry about going to the shops, driving or numerous other things. You might be scared that you're going "crazy", will faint, or have a heart attack, but guess what? It actually passes. Yes you say but it comes back again and again. It's taking over your life and you are unable to manage it by yourself. Consider seeking professional help, cognitive behaviour therapy and mindfulness are two methods which can help you to turn off your early warning system and allow you to feel more in control.

Recommended reading:

Living With It: A Survivor's Guide to Panic Attacks By  Bev Aisbett

Many clients feel embarrassed if they cry during the session. This is an understandable reaction,  no-one likes crying in front of others, you make strange faces, your voice may be a tiny squeak-if you can talk at all, or your nose might be red and your eyes puffy. Crying can be because you feel overwhelmed and helpless. It may be that you have been keeping your emotions bottled up for a long time. Then when I ask you what brought you to make an appointment this can be the trigger that releases your tears.  You will be experiencing some emotional pain - usually they are not tears of joy when you are in therapy and it can be something you have never felt comfortable doing. So why would I be writing about something you want to avoid? 

Some people might  actually want to cry but may only be able to do so when alone. They are experiencing tumultuous emotions but the tears won't come. Others say "If I start crying I won't be able to stop". As infants we used crying to get attention and let others know there was something we were not happy about. We weren't coached to cry, we did it without any difficulty - and sometimes too well when our parents needed sleep!

As we grew older, others may have told us to stop crying or not make so much fuss and noise when angry or upset. If so, then it might be hard to think that crying is allowed during therapy and it's not such a bad thing. Do you want to appear strong and in control? If so, does crying make you appear weak? 

Tough men don't cry could be your motto and if you have lived with it this long - why change? It can be helpful to explore why you are unable to cry and what emotions you might be pushing away? When you feel tearful, just stop, sit and think what that is about and you might just be surprised what you learn or how your body reacts when you take a moment to "listen" to it. Crying is not a prerequisite for successful therapy but it could help you gain insight and a better understanding of yourself.

Here goes - my first ever blog!! This is definitely a challenge for me, it's a bit nerve wracking to have my blog open to people I don't know.  However, it's probably not as bad as it might be for you turning up to to your first appointment. Especially if you have never met me or seen a psychologist before. It could be even more worrying if you had counselling in the past, thought it was not helpful and are brave enough to try again. People often say "I have been anxious thinking about what I am going to say in the session", try not to worry it's  my job to keep the conversation going, you just need to turn up. 



I have plenty of tissues so you don't need to apologise if you cry - it may be the first time you have been able to talk about the problems and your emotions feel overwhelming. People will sometimes say "I wasn't going to cry today and I have". That's okay too, for ladies, I will let you know if your make-up has run before you leave the room! 

One of the most important aspects of our sessions will be the therapeutic relationship we develop. If you feel that I have provided a safe and understanding environment where you are not judged or criticised then we have a good foundation on which we can work together on your issues. 

At the end of every session if you wish to you can fill in a very short 4 question scale which asks you to rate the following :

• whether you felt heard, understood and respected
  
• if we worked on what you wanted to work on
  
• whether you felt my approach suits you
• overall if the session was right for you

You can be totally honest with this and if I see the rating is low in one or more areas I can talk it over with you and see how this can be improved. (There is no obligation to do this, the forms are left on the table.)  However, I do appreciate the feedback as we need to work together to make sure you are happy with attending.

At the end of your appointment we will complete any payments or medicare claims and arrange another date for you to come back. This is all done privately in my room so you do not have to wait at the reception desk.  

Try not to feel anxious or scared about the session, the aim is to help you to gain your life back and feel you are in control. My job is to guide you there, yours is to come along and participate as best you can. I hope this has put your mind at rest and that I will see you soon.


If you are under 18, your parent or carer will need to come with you the first time so we can discuss confidentiality. This is so you can feel okay talking about personal issues knowing I am not going to tell anyone. Except if you or someone else is at serious risk I will do whatever I think is necessary in that situation. This might mean telling someone else such as your parent or Doctor. Again, we can discuss this when you come to your first appointment. Once we have talked about confidentiality, often the parent will tell me what they think is the problem, then they leave the room and we can talk alone.